Hello! Do not be alarmed. I have not signed up for Oprah’s latest fad. (Dude. I haven’t even seen an episode since the late 90s.)

I’m working with a nutritionist on figuring out which foods are causing which issues. I eat well, yes, but I didn’t for years and what I’m eating isn’t benefitting me the way it should.

Also? I get gas that can peel paint off walls. And if there’s an opportunity for a yeast infection, my body will jump at it. I lack energy. I get headaches and mood swings based on my eating habits without any sign of actual blood sugar issues.

So we’re simplifying for 30 days to flush me out. The science — for those who think I’m nuts — is that some foods take so long to process that the intestines and liver fall behind. Proteins don’t get fully digested and don’t pass through the way they should, nutrients don’t get absorbed, waste starts to ferment…some breaks down into sugars, which feed the yeasties. A lot of what should just feed and fuel you, then leave, turns into fat. Most often, belly fat.

Much of what’s on the simplified list is stuff I eat anyway. I just eat other stuff as well, which complicates the digestive process. For the first week or so, I’m expecting to feel like ass. There’s the expected withdrawal from coffee and alcohol (though it’s not like I mix the two every morning), which is fine. The trickier part will come when the excess yeast in my system starts to die.

That should be unpleasant.

But have no fear — I am eating, I am under a doctor’s care, and I have no desire to reach a target weight. What I really want is for my body to operate the way it’s supposed to. So for the next 30 days, there’s more cheese and wine for the rest of y’all. Once this is over, I’ll start adding stuff back into my diet slowly and see how my body reacts to it, and whether the effects are worth it.

Not to spoil the ending or anything, but I’m fairly certain wine will fall into the “worth it” category.