Does it make me a yuppie or a hippy that I just downloaded a rainstorm for my 1p0d? Because I’m not sure how to classify spending $10 on fake rain.

I have a fantastic alarm clock that includes four white noise options. Two of them involve crickets. One, which I like well enough, is bells chiming.

And then there’s the ocean waves one. You’d think, given my background and love of the ocean, that this would be my favorite, but you would be wrong. You would have drastically underestimated the grating effect of the seagulls — or, it must be said, terns — on my nerves. Instead of lulling me to sleep, this so-called “ambient noise” has the same effect on my brain as actual seagull — or tern — beaks.

There are few sounds more soothing to me than rain. One is the ultimate silence of snowfall, which doesn’t translate well to mp3 or 4. One or two voices can calm me down, and any combination of those and precipitation are better than anesthesia.