David Crane, you’re on my list.

Do y’all remember this episode of Friends where Ross and Rachel finally get together (the first time)? The one where Phoebe says that Ross is Rachel’s lobster and lobsters mate for life?

(If you don’t remember it, don’t ever talk to me again. The only reasonable excuse is if you never, ever saw the show.)

Well, it was all a farce. Lobsters do not mate for life at ALL. 😦 So if you’ve ever thought “Awww…he/she is my lobster,” you were kind of calling the other person a whore.

Few animals mate for life: Gibbon apes, wolves, termites, coyotes, barn owls, beavers, bald eagles, golden eagles, condors, swans, brolga cranes, French angel fish, sandhill cranes, pigeons, prions (a seabird), red-tailed hawks, anglerfish, ospreys, prairie voles (a rodent), and black vultures.

Some of these pick a mate for life but still screw around on the side. They just always come back to the nest, I guess. Vultures are kind of the exception — they will all turn and attack a philanderer. But who wants to be compared to a vulture?

I feel so violated.

I guess, from now on, we’ll all just have to say, “He/She is my Ross/Rachel.” Which is not nearly as cute and rarely involves making lobster-claw shadow puppets.

And this, boys and girls, is why you should kill your TV.