0:00 – 03:30: God, this sucks, I’m not awake yet, wah.

03:31 – 04:30: That’s better. God, why is this so slooowwww?
*3 6 9, the goose drank wine, the monkey chewed tobacco on the streetcar line*…

04:31 – 05:00: Hey, come on 5! I can speed it up at 5. Comeon5nownownow okay04:49! Close enough.

05:01 – 07:00: Running is swell! Tralala.
*Don’t forget my lipstick I left it in your ashtray*…

07:01 – 10:00: Let’s play with speeds. My heart rate says I’m slacking. 3.8? Yeah, okay, that sounds good. Oh, the incline… Oh, well. I’m not really even sweating yet… Hey, the Wilson Bridge is pretty at sunrise.
*I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine*…

10:01 – 12:30: Maybe I’ll jump to 4.0 before 15 minutes in. I don’t know, maybe. I could do it, right? I don’t know, maybe. Probably.

12:31 – 13:07: Oh, 13. That’s close to 15. I’ll slow it down from 20 to 22. W00t!
*I was!…tryin to enjoy my night but you done came here*…

13:08 – 16:00: Workproject workproject workproject workproject…wait, I’m running? Oh, right, running.
*I know…I can’t let…all the fear inside take over me, gotta take control of what’s in front of me*…

16:01 – 16:30: I could do 5.0. I think I really could. Just for 30 seconds.
*1 2, can’t nobody hold me, 3 4, drop it to the floor*…

16:59 – 17:02: Maybe 60 seconds. Holy shit. This is like, sprinting. Is it even called sprinting anymore? I guess there’s a difference between jogging and running after all. This is totally Running.

17:31 – 19:30: Hey, dingbat, remember your pranayam lessons. Your lungs are smart — leave the breathing to them and gravity. You don’t need to force it.
*God bless Mother Nature — she’s a single woman, too*…

19:31 – 19:59: Do I really need to take a breather at 20? I mean, I’m breathing fine. Yay, lungs and gravity! I’m still easily in my cardio range.

20:00 – 20:02: Nope. No need to slow down.
*I’m you biggest fan, I’ll follow you until you love me, pa pa paparazzi*…

20:03 – 20:06: Jesus, this song is creepy.

20:07 – 21:00: Ohmygod, I only have 10 minutes left. Boo! I could run forEVAH.
*Gal don’t say me crazy now, this strange love it a no Bridgette and Flava show*…

21:00 – 22:30: Pranayam, dumbass. Stop huffing and breathe.

22:31 – 23:00: Good. Well done. 4.1 on a 2.2 incline and you’re not even at 85%. See? Breathe.
*Gimme gimme gimme a man after midnight. Won’t somebody help me chase these shadows away?*…

23:01 – 24:00: How about one more sprint? It won’t kill me. It’s just 60 seconds at 5.0…

24:00 – 25:00: … … … …

25:01 – 25:05: Aw, good job. Now those prize ribbons from grade school don’t seem like a total fluke.
*I wanna hold ’em like they do in Texas, please.*…

25:05 – 28:30: So, I can run for 30 minutes straight on a random hill setting, and I’m doing just over 50% of that at 4.0 or better. Hey, “Health” magazine*, want to tell me how to do this, work full time, and do grad school all on 1,200 calories a day? Because THAT’S INSANE.
*Boots with the fur (with the fur!)* …

28:31 – 29:00: They should rename Health magazine to “UR FAT (Stop Eating NOW)”. That’s the message on every damn page. Twelve hundred calories a day? Are you kidding me?

29:01 – 30:00: Oh, I’m almost out of time. Boo. How about one more…No. No more sprints. Shut up and cool down.
*Put your hands on my waist, pull the fader. Run it back with original flavor. Queue me up, I’m the twelve on your table. I’m so starstruck*…

30:03 – 34:00: Am I done walking? Am I done walking? Am I done walking? Am I done walking? Am I done walking? Am I done walking? I’m done walking.

34:01 – 36:00: Stretching is goooood. Hey, if sweat drips into your eyes when you’re upside down, is that, like, the most natural saline solution in the world? Or is that just gross?

*Note: I don’t buy or subscribe to Health. All of Mom’s mail started coming to me after I became estate executor, including the free and unsolicited subscriptions that magazine companies set up for salons and other captive audiences. If you see a copy of Wired or The New Yorker in my home, they’re mine. People, Glamour, and Vogue? Not so much.