You know, I think iPhones are cool. I really do. They’re pretty, they’re sleek — like everything else Steve Jobs poops out, they’re beautifully designed.

If I were a designer, I would probably love and want to work for Apple. As I’m not, Google is my dream employer.

Anyway, AT&T drops calls and they’re all exclusive-y about the iPhone. I refused to switch from Verizon to AT&T because I actually get the level of service I want with Verizon. I have service in Metro stations, for example, and I have almost never needed to make a call and not been able to make the call. Sure, service was spotty around my mom’s place — seriously, it’s like they had mini-towers tied to moose antlers or something — but there were three good reasons why that didn’t matter:

1. I went there to disconnect and get some damn (disquieting) peace and quiet. If I really needed to reconnect, I drove into town.
2. I knew before replacing my LG Chocolate that I wouldn’t be up on that hill again.
3. NONE OF THE OTHER SERVICES WORK THERE, ANYWAY. (Well, Cingular/AT&T did. Sort of.)

I do appreciate the features of my friends’ iPhones. Shotgun’s sheep-counting app is awesome. My phone has apps, too, but I’m too lazy to browse through them and read the reviews. My best course of action is to whine to Graham about what I want my phone to do, and then he’ll nerd out on the best way to make that happen.

But nothing about the iPhone and AT&T has offended me as much as the latest Luke Wilson commercial touting how AT&T’s 3G network allows users to surf the internet while they’re on the phone.

Simultaneously.

OOOoooOOOoooOOO!

I like the people I call more than that. I respect them more than that. I do not need to check lifehacker while we’re chatting or google “pregnancy horror stories” (because, let’s face it, every close friend I have — with one exception — is pregnant and/or actively parenting at least one child). What could I possibly need the internet to tell me while a friend is telling me about a parent’s MRI or while Graham’s talking about the puppy’s foot surgery? Isn’t call waiting bad enough? “I’m sorry, would you hold on while I see what this other person wants to talk about?”

Just so you know? I don’t always acknowledge call waiting. I don’t leave my phone on the table in restaurants, either, unless there’s a family emergency in the works and I’m waiting for an update.

Surfing while talking on the phone isn’t a glorious, important, distinguishing feature — it’s just another excuse for poor phone etiquette and dangerous levels of distraction (how many of you talk on the phone while driving? I do.).

So shut it, Luke Wilson. I don’t want to surf the web while I talk. I don’t want other people to do it while they talk to me. What we have to say to each other is more important than that.