Bottled water isn’t all that pure

You don’t say? If any of you have ever seen “Amador Valley” on the label of your bottle of water, let me assure you that you might as well just run the faucet. Amador Valley is a lot of things, but a fresh mountain spring ain’t one of them.

And speaking of fresh mountain springs, particularly the Vermont kind, let me tell you why you might find bacteria and chemicals in your bottled water.

Cows live on mountains. (Moo.)

Some cows are fed chemicals, either directly or through their specially formulated grains.

Cows poop.

A lot.

Rain falls on mountains.

Rainwater washes cow poop into fresh mountain springs, bacteria and all.

Frankly, I care less about the cow poop than I do about the excess chlorine (teeth-whitening — yay!), solvents, and radioactive elements in the findings (most cows don’t glow in the dark, so I don’t think they’re responsible even for that last one). The process above is likely responsible for the plastic-making chemicals in the bottled water. Rainwater washes over ALL THE EFFING PLASTIC BOTTLES in our landfills, leaching the chemicals into the soil and contaminating the water table (watershed?). And then the water is bottled and further leaching begins.

Natural spring water, if you’ve ever drunk straight from a spring, isn’t flavorless, by the way. It’s minerally, and the nuances change. That’s how “natural” works — water, as it flows, picks up elements of the rocks and moss and silt and fish pee (sorry, Shotgun) and carries it through the process of sustaining animal, vegetable, and mineral life. “Pure” water ain’t no such thing.

We’re so far removed from the circle of life — in particular, from our food sources — that we have come full circle. We drink bottled water to avoid contaminants in the municipal water supply. (As a result, by the way, our teeth are getting weaker from lack of fluoride, which was added to municipal water yonks ago.) But studies have now shown that (a) we’re not deriving any benefit from it at all because bottling companies are using the same water supply as your dishwasher, and/or (b) we’re doing more damage by adding different contaminants.

I haven’t figured out how to solve this — sorry if I sound like I’m about to reveal something. All I can say is this: Consume carefully. Know where your food and water are coming from. And drink more wine to avoid the problem entirely.