April 14, 2008 by 8junebugs
Legally, a corporation has rights as if it had a life of its own. Emotionally, the same is true of a marriage.
It comes as no surprise, then, that the end of a marriage feels less like the end of a civil union than like the violent death of a civilian — collateral damage of what should never have felt like a war.
With six months left until our fifth anniversary, Mike and I are separating. Despite the sickening feeling of failure, of hurting and being hurt by the one closest to you, this is not completely unexpected. We have spent years trying to learn how to love each other and be together harmoniously — who knew the two could be mutually exclusive? In the end, though, we are who we are, and no amount of love can bridge the distance between us. Too much has happened and we will never again be the people we fell in love with…but the people we’ve become are not good for each other. They are barely good for themselves.
Where am I today? I have struggled with the choice between what is right and what is easy. This has never been my strength, but then, neither has leaving relationships with men I love but should let go. I have turned back before out of love and longing, even though I’d made the right decision, and the resulting clusterfuck is not something I would wish on anyone, least of all the man with whom I thought to spend the rest of my days. I have, characteristically, done this poorly enough without making it worse with a take-back that won’t solve anything.
If this is the right thing to do and my name is on it, you might wonder why I feel sick to my stomach, why I burst into sobs at irregular intervals. And I would say to you that dismantling a life and discarding a future are shattering from any side. From here on out, I will have to look back and say, “I did this. I picked the day our life would die.” The repercussions of that, internal and external, are not inconsequential.
Someone recently said that she would have liked to have known, before her divorce, that God would forgive her even this, in the end. I have to believe that is true for both of us, even if we never forgive each other for the way this has gone.
Though I would not post the details of this, I will publicly take the hit for not knowing myself well enough earlier on, for taking the easier path, for letting the demons in my head run amok. There were signs for both of us along the way. I covered my eyes and thought about love and commitment — when you do that, obstacles you might have negotiated cause a hell of a lot of damage. We are tired and bruised and angry and hurt and sad and confused and scared.
But we will be okay.